Tags: rant
<< previousnext >>I haven't owned a television in 10 years. It was only during the COVID-19 pandemic, after moving home to live with my parents, that I became reacquainted with television advertising. During that time, I was exposed to the background hum of television on a daily basis. It was always there. Crooning to me as I sat down for dinner. Whispering in my ear as I fell asleep. Shouting at me as I left the room in search of quiet. Jumping up and down at my knee, begging for attention. It's the ad, ad-vert, ad-ver-tisement. 15 minutes for every hour of TV.
At first, I resisted this new source of distraction. I use ad-blocking software for a reason, I thought. Ads aren't good for your brain, and they're for suckers. I would be happy if I never saw another ad for the rest of my life.
O, what a fool I was. For 10 years - 10 long years! - I rejected the comforting embrace of the marketer, cast out the copywriter, and declined to break bread with the ad executive. I, a sociable animal, turned my back on good society. It's incredible to me now that I could ever have been so cruel to myself. That I could withdraw from the warm glow of the ad, when it's the nature of humans to seek warmth.
But worry not, my friend, for the wandering lamb has returned to the fold. After prolonged exposure to TV marketing, I have hit upon a wonderful revelation. And the revelation is this.
I love ads!
It's a trillion-dollar industry with the best of intentions. Rank upon smiling rank of ad executive, writer, creative director, smart-talker, smart-walker and CEO - all happily working away to construct a targeted message that's just for me. They dress in suits and congregate in glass towers, like an ancient, benevolent order of robe-clad monks who sit at church in fervent prayer, sending good vibes my way.
These are difficult times, but it is of great comfort to me to know that such a powerful force for good is out there in the world, with only my best interest at heart.
O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! But it is all right now. Everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself. I love ads.
I'd be happy to hear from you at galligankevinp@gmail.com.